西西

Never feel proud of myself to be a medical student. It's not a thing to be proud of because of the things that we're going to go through. It'll be a freaking tough journey and I can't see why I have to be proud of it. In fact, it's pityful to be a medical student for me. Kay, basically I'm weird among others ha! And I'm not a typical Malaysian student. It would be a really hard time for me in medical school since this is an old profession with unwritten rules and expectation of public. Well, I could hardly accept that I've to sacrifice all of me when stepping into this profession. Hello it's just another occupation for me though it may not for others. Why should we sacrifice ourselves to our job. It's only a part of my life and it's not equal to my life. Kay, lots of medical students enter this field mainly because they want to help the society. For me, I would like to learn medical knowledge more than I want to contribute myself to the society. I'm not that great laaaa. And another thing is I think I'm a cold blooded person. I don't feel disgusting nor empathy, instead I feel excited to look at weird things. I'll feel disgusting but I'll not stop look at it though I keep saying it's awful. I don't really think that I could be a good doctor. And I really can't accept that a doctor shall not dye hair, shall not wear jeans in work or have to maintain every 'good' image that the public expect on them. I always want to be an remarkable person in an extraordinary way. It may look bad in perception of many but I always have rebellious streak in myself. I want to do different things, I want to do things what society usually thinks it's bad. I want to prove that it's not something bad but only a perception. I would like to dye my hair immediately when the lecturer said we can't do that, I would like to have the fifth ear piercing, I would like to have fancy looking tattoo on my body etc. It's really not something bad and I know appearance of doctor is important to patients. But, why I have to restrict myself to do things I like, I want and I love in order to please the patients. How I'm going to treat the patients when I'm inwardly suppressed myself. I'll not be in the healthy state when I'm restricted in many ways and how I could hope my patients to be healthy. Well, I would finish my medical study but I couldn't assure that I'll be a doctor after that. It's how I think now and I'll have different way of thinking months later. Will I change my mind? I'm not sure.