西西

恩我又回來亂寫了

一直以來自認為不會對身邊的人表現出特別的關心，很久很久才會有一次很明顯的關係關懷

雖然常常回想起任何一個人，好奇說他最近過得怎麼樣過得好不好

最終還是想想而已，沒有真的問所以到底是怎樣

嗯 我又回來了。回來這裡的次數越多 代表心裡有難過有悲傷 卻不知該找誰說。有多少次是因為少女心出現。

第二學期第一次考試昨天早上剛考完。晚上和第二年同年齡的學長出去吃飯。嗯 是我找他吃飯的 

然後7點時朋友打電話來說忘記跟我說7點15分和兩個第二年學長姐出去吃。結果我很壞地找了藉口拒絕了。

現在有點愧疚中。竟然這樣子推掉了朋友的約。我怎麼了我。

這學期的最後次月昨天考完了，臨床實踐也考完了。今天決定做個宅女，什麼也不做，就hea著過一整天。

晚餐時間想看電影就隨便找了之前超紅的《我的少女時代》。

電影題材故事鋪陳也沒有多大的心意，也不懂為什麼上映期間很多人看了都說很感動很有回憶。

就覺得什麼回憶嘛。很多人都像林真心那樣不起眼不被男生注意沒錯，可是後來林真心拿掉眼鏡換了個髮型，整個人變得好可愛。

Never feel proud of myself to be a medical student. It's not a thing to be proud of because of the things that we're going to go through. It'll be a freaking tough journey and I can't see why I have to be proud of it. In fact, it's pityful to be a medical student for me. Kay, basically I'm weird among others ha! And I'm not a typical Malaysian student. It would be a really hard time for me in medical school since this is an old profession with unwritten rules and expectation of public. Well, I could hardly accept that I've to sacrifice all of me when stepping into this profession. Hello it's just another occupation for me though it may not for others. Why should we sacrifice ourselves to our job. It's only a part of my life and it's not equal to my life. Kay, lots of medical students enter this field mainly because they want to help the society. For me, I would like to learn medical knowledge more than I want to contribute myself to the society. I'm not that great laaaa. And another thing is I think I'm a cold blooded person. I don't feel disgusting nor empathy, instead I feel excited to look at weird things. I'll feel disgusting but I'll not stop look at it though I keep saying it's awful. I don't really think that I could be a good doctor. And I really can't accept that a doctor shall not dye hair, shall not wear jeans in work or have to maintain every 'good' image that the public expect on them. I always want to be an remarkable person in an extraordinary way. It may look bad in perception of many but I always have rebellious streak in myself. I want to do different things, I want to do things what society usually thinks it's bad. I want to prove that it's not something bad but only a perception. I would like to dye my hair immediately when the lecturer said we can't do that, I would like to have the fifth ear piercing, I would like to have fancy looking tattoo on my body etc. It's really not something bad and I know appearance of doctor is important to patients. But, why I have to restrict myself to do things I like, I want and I love in order to please the patients. How I'm going to treat the patients when I'm inwardly suppressed myself. I'll not be in the healthy state when I'm restricted in many ways and how I could hope my patients to be healthy. Well, I would finish my medical study but I couldn't assure that I'll be a doctor after that. It's how I think now and I'll have different way of thinking months later. Will I change my mind? I'm not sure. 

实在找不到平台让自己发泄。说好了不要在手帐上写所有不好的事、消极的事、不开心的事。

中六生活看似不好过也黯然地过了一年半。期间唯一的发泄管道就是不停地写，有的没的都在写。一开始是为了锻炼自己熟悉英文，用英文流畅地写，后来就变成了发泄管道。

人总爱回忆过去，或是沉浸于自己以往曾经做过的事。偶然翻了翻中六时期写下的东西，发现几乎每一篇都包含了消极负面的情绪。真的是几乎每一篇。

这根本是一直把长久以来的负面情绪收集起来，一切的不开心都输出了，可是留下的也是不开心的文字。

升學這時就是那麼煩。其實我大可以去私立學院讀書，不必那麼燥。

但是，去私立學院卻會成為家裡負擔。

縱使家裡能負擔，妹妹升學的事宜卻要頭痛了。再者，我不想爲了升學而為錢煩。

看了別想太多。有時候，是我想太多。

又或者，彼此說的是不一樣的事。

我要錢。你能給我嗎?

“嗨!”他遠遠看到我就大聲跟我打招呼。

我被嚇到了。

被嚇到，不是因為他喊得特別大聲，而是遇見他。

怎麼會遇到他呢?難道是幸運之神的眷顧?我才不信呢。

散了。當電影播完（播完吧?）後，人群散了。畢業後，大家也散了。

此時，各個角落都有相熟的人。不過，分開了只會使話題變少，距離更遠。

我呢?我依舊呆在熟悉的窩裡虛度光陰。

我们还是那么嫩

是啊，我就是那麽嫩、那麽幼稚。你能怎样?我们之间的距离永远那麽遥远，并不会随着年份的增加而减短。

人生配额